Do you ever get blamed by your wife or girlfriend for not having enough time? Maybe she’s frustrated that you aren’t taking the kids out, or you aren’t “present” enough for her.
Meanwhile, in reality, you’re exhausted. You’re away at work, you’re providing for the family, or you’re trying to recover after a brutal night shift.
When she hits you with that blame, what’s the first emotion you feel? For most of us, it’s: “How dare you? Don’t you see how hard I’m working for you?”
You feel totally misunderstood. The person who is supposed to “get you” the most—the one who sees your struggle—seems to be the one who understands you the least. And so, unappreciated in marriage has become your everyday reality…
The Cycle of the “Man Cave” Escape
If this isn’t addressed, a dangerous pattern sets in. Her demands seem to grow, and you start neglecting your own needs even more. A couple of years down the line, the relationship often falls apart.
But even if you move on, the same pattern usually repeats in the next relationship. You get blamed, you feel resentful, and you find refuge in the only places you can:
- Grabbing a few drinks with buddies.
- Escaping into sports or gaming.
- Withdrawing into silence.
You develop this belief that “Life just isn’t fair. As a man, I’ll always be blamed no matter how hard I work.” And when your friends tell you that they also feel unappreciated in marriage and it is how marriages go, you just might decide to give up on women altogether. But what if I told you it doesn’t have to be this way?
What If Feeling Unappreciated in Marriage Doesn’t Have to Be the Norm?
Imagine a different scenario. Your partner says those same words to you—the same complaints, the same tone. But instead of that spark of anger igniting inside you, nothing happens. You don’t feel that defensive surge of resentment.
Imagine how interesting it would be if you could approach the situation pragmatically. You could look at her and say:
“Honey, I can see why you’d feel that way. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel the same. But let me tell you how I see it…”
A normal conversation ensues. She might still try to fight at first because she’s not used to the “New You,” but by the 5th or 10th time you respond with calm empathy instead of anger, she starts to change too. The “Man Cave” is no longer your only escape.
The Myth of the “Rosy” Relationship
We’ve been sold a lie that a good relationship is 100% fine all the time, where two people are always head-over-heels and never say a bad word. That relationship does not exist.
A real, healthy relationship is one where two people can disagree, argue, and analyze a situation through each other’s eyes. That is how a relationship grows. That is how you grow old together instead of becoming two strangers living under the same roof, bitter and looking for exits.
It’s Not About the Argument—It’s About the Emotion Inside You
The moral of the story is that the problem isn’t the “unfairness” of her comments. The problem is the triggering emotion inside of you that leaves you with no choice but to be mad or run away.
If you could remove that internal “button” that gets pushed, everything would change. You could analyze the situation for what it is and see her perspective without losing your mind.
I know this is possible because I have changed myself. Through specific approaches in therapy and coaching, I’ve undergone this transformation. Life is so much better when you no longer carry that heavy, suppressed anger. You gain the ability to look at life’s challenges with a calm, clear mind.